My Testimony

I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to catholic school, did my 1st Holy Communion, confession, confirmation & attended mass and benediction. I always believed in God, believed in what Jesus did, but the only prayers I said were the ones I knew from the church, and it was just vain repetition. As I got older, my way of thinking was that it was vain to say you were going to heaven, surely you could never know for certain?

From age 11 I was bullied badly at school, so I started to self harm. I don’t know to this day what made me think to do this; it was like the idea was just there. At 14, I started to get into rock music; grunge, to be precise, as it fitted my mood, and I fast became a fan of rock music and the life style.

Throughout my school life, my Mum sent me to a hypnotherapist to help with numerous things, like weight loss & confidence.
My mum was what I’d call a typical catholic; doing good to others, attending mass, superstitious; she was into clairvoyance & went to see a few. Pretty much anything is ok, as long as you are catholic, because, of course, there’s always purgatory. ( My mum is now saved, praise the Lord )
On my 16th birthday i treated myself to a visit with a clairvoyant, I really felt drawn to darker things after that visit.
I got further into the rock scene, went to rock clubs, got drunk, smoked dope and cigarettes ,the usual stuff, I suppose. My self harming was getting worse but it was something I couldn’t stop, I recall calling out to God whilst cutting myself at times, not realizing that there was a wall between us, created by me.

Whilst at college, I dated a satanist, which I personally feel was my lowest point, and my turning point; fortunately the relationship ended and I met my (now) husband, in a rock club. He had been bought up in a Christian household and at that time called himself a Christian (he would realise later that he had the head knowledge but not heart knowledge, and would give his life to Jesus), so we often talked about God.

When I finished college, I decided to tell my parents about my self harming, there was always a part of me that hoped they would find out, even though I hid it well. I guess I hoped they would understand me more if they knew this about me. My Mum was down the doctor’s getting me counseling, then when that didn’t seem to do the trick, psychologists, then lastly, hypnotherapy. (Just a note to say that I know my Mum was acting out of love and wanting to help me)
I never found any help from these people. Sure, I knew why I did what I did, but I couldn’t stop, and found that by the time I started to open up at appointments it would be ” session over” and I’d be left with all these feelings and thoughts to go and mull over till the next session where it happened again!! Frustrating, to say the least.

During this time (it was over a few years that I saw these different professionals) my husband and I moved in together, and his family would often come over and I would always get talking with his Dad about God. I always wanted to hear what he had to say, but once he got talking, I wished he’d shut up! (I am now very thankful that he didn’t!) Being told about the Lord, salvation and hell really made me think, and set me on a journey till two years later, when I would finally give my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and savior.

We got married in September,1999, and in the following January we moved to our first house ( mortgage and all!), and decided that we’d like to find a church to attend, though we didn’t really look for one for a while, just carried on living the way we were, deep in sin. Meanwhile, my husband kept finding Christian tracts on the bus on his way to work, which I used to read. I was also seeing a new hypnotherapist at the time who said he believed in God, but seemed to have taken a part of each religion to suit his beliefs; I spoke of God a lot to him.

During the time I was seeing him, it came to light, whilst I was at home and during one of the sessions, through flashbacks (there was no hypnosis involved, just relaxation) that I was sexually abused by my now ex-uncle,(unfortunately I wasn’t the only family member to endure this, but we have helped each other through this hurt) which was obviously a hard thing to deal with.
I went back for my next session to say I didn’t want to try to remember anymore, as I didn’t see what good it would do. Well, this got him mad and he proceeded to tell me that I clearly didn’t love Jesus, and that I couldn’t get to heaven with all my “baggage” (needless to say, he was wrong) I must add that throughout seeing this man, a Christian friend told me to stop seeing him, which was really unlike her to say that, and sessions got cancelled numerous times. I believe this was God telling me not to go there, but rebellious me carried on.

As soon as I got home I knew I would never go back, and found myself talking to God more, reading His Word, and eventually I accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour; Oh happy day!!! Romans 10v9: “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. ” I remember feeling like a veil had been lifted, I was seeing things differently. Things from my old life didn’t have the same appeal; things that satisfied the flesh, not the spirit.
I got myself the best Counselor there is ( Isaiah 9:6) , my self harming stopped, my dependency on antidepressants left me, and I was a new creation. I will never forget that feeling of assurance, of warmth and love, and am so thankful for Jesus. I now have a relationship, not rituals and religion; an actual relationship with the creator of the world.

My husband ( he gave his life to the Lord a few months before I did) and I got baptized (full immersion) at the church we attended.
We have since moved several times and we have what is called a House Church, where we read the Word and break bread together.
I am so thankful to have salvation, knowing I have eternal life with my Lord & the blessed hope He gives us helps me through the darkest times. He grounds me and is with me always.
Matthew 28 v20b, ” lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”