Every note, every beat, I feel the rhythm pulse through me as I tap my feet to the enchanting melody; coursing through my veins like electricity.
Bass that pounds on my temples, moving me; like a wave tossed to and fro in the ocean. A feeling of elation from one moment in a song that touches me so deeply I never want it to end.
Like a drug, it’s addictive, it lure’s me in, before I know it, I’m lost in the piercing sounds of a violin; every glide of the bow penetrating my mind until everything drifts away and it’s just me and the music.
Vocals like silk glide through the air. Lyrics that speak as if the song was written for me. Evoking emotions I didn’t know where there, that make me lose my inhibitions and dance without a care.
The beat radiates through my fingers to my toes, tears in my eyes threaten to expose the fragility I feel within when the music plays; I’m me again.
Each fingertip on the piano keys leaves me feeling weak ; giddy at the sound of Fur Elise, closing my eyes and embracing the feeling of peace that covers me.
The beauty of the piano, the sounds that come from the keys, to my ears that please. A different type of pleasure, of beauty deep within, that travels to my soul and leaves me trembling.
A beat, a bar, a note, a tone, when I’m within the music, Im never alone.
It sneaked it’s way in; unseen. Should I have noticed? Did I not prepare him for this? For the lies he would hear, the persuasion of others? Friends are more heard than fathers and mothers.
Could I have done more? I questioned and reasoned but it fell on deaf ears, ears that were being tickled by the words of his peers.
I have prayed and I’ve cried, I have such sadness inside. My heart is broken for you my love, oh how I wish there was something I could have done. Something to make you see the truth. We always had that closeness, we’d share things, you and me.
But those days are gone, all I feel is pain; the pain of a loss , of a mother’s heart broken. Everything has changed ;you’ve changed, not me! I’m still hear, trying to reason, trying to make you see, but it’s useless. Did you ever listen to me?
So I pray ,I beg, I plead, oh dear Lord, please hear me. Hear these cries from my broken heart, from the relationship I don’t want to fall apart. Help me to be graceful; give me the words to speak. I can’t do this without you.
There’s this piece of sadness that lives inside of me, it will stay there till the truth will set him free. Only you can do this Lord; help me, guide my way, and please give me the strength to get through each day.
I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to catholic school, did my 1st Holy Communion, confession, confirmation & attended mass and benediction. I always believed in God, believed in what Jesus did, but the only prayers I said were the ones I knew from the church, and it was just vain repetition. As I got older, my way of thinking was that it was vain to say you were going to heaven, surely you could never know for certain?
From age 11 I was bullied badly at school, so I started to self harm. I don’t know to this day what made me think to do this; it was like the idea was just there. At 14, I started to get into rock music; grunge, to be precise, as it fitted my mood, and I fast became a fan of rock music and the life style.
Throughout my school life, my Mum sent me to a hypnotherapist to help with numerous things, like weight loss & confidence. My mum was what I’d call a typical catholic; doing good to others, attending mass, superstitious; she was into clairvoyance & went to see a few. Pretty much anything is ok, as long as you are catholic, because, of course, there’s always purgatory. ( My mum is now saved, praise the Lord ) On my 16th birthday i treated myself to a visit with a clairvoyant, I really felt drawn to darker things after that visit. I got further into the rock scene, went to rock clubs, got drunk, smoked dope and cigarettes ,the usual stuff, I suppose. My self harming was getting worse but it was something I couldn’t stop, I recall calling out to God whilst cutting myself at times, not realizing that there was a wall between us, created by me.
Whilst at college, I dated a satanist, which I personally feel was my lowest point, and my turning point; fortunately the relationship ended and I met my (now) husband, in a rock club. He had been bought up in a Christian household and at that time called himself a Christian (he would realise later that he had the head knowledge but not heart knowledge, and would give his life to Jesus), so we often talked about God.
When I finished college, I decided to tell my parents about my self harming, there was always a part of me that hoped they would find out, even though I hid it well. I guess I hoped they would understand me more if they knew this about me. My Mum was down the doctor’s getting me counseling, then when that didn’t seem to do the trick, psychologists, then lastly, hypnotherapy. (Just a note to say that I know my Mum was acting out of love and wanting to help me) I never found any help from these people. Sure, I knew why I did what I did, but I couldn’t stop, and found that by the time I started to open up at appointments it would be ” session over” and I’d be left with all these feelings and thoughts to go and mull over till the next session where it happened again!! Frustrating, to say the least.
During this time (it was over a few years that I saw these different professionals) my husband and I moved in together, and his family would often come over and I would always get talking with his Dad about God. I always wanted to hear what he had to say, but once he got talking, I wished he’d shut up! (I am now very thankful that he didn’t!) Being told about the Lord, salvation and hell really made me think, and set me on a journey till two years later, when I would finally give my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and savior.
We got married in September,1999, and in the following January we moved to our first house ( mortgage and all!), and decided that we’d like to find a church to attend, though we didn’t really look for one for a while, just carried on living the way we were, deep in sin. Meanwhile, my husband kept finding Christian tracts on the bus on his way to work, which I used to read. I was also seeing a new hypnotherapist at the time who said he believed in God, but seemed to have taken a part of each religion to suit his beliefs; I spoke of God a lot to him.
During the time I was seeing him, it came to light, whilst I was at home and during one of the sessions, through flashbacks (there was no hypnosis involved, just relaxation) that I was sexually abused by my now ex-uncle,(unfortunately I wasn’t the only family member to endure this, but we have helped each other through this hurt) which was obviously a hard thing to deal with. I went back for my next session to say I didn’t want to try to remember anymore, as I didn’t see what good it would do. Well, this got him mad and he proceeded to tell me that I clearly didn’t love Jesus, and that I couldn’t get to heaven with all my “baggage” (needless to say, he was wrong) I must add that throughout seeing this man, a Christian friend told me to stop seeing him, which was really unlike her to say that, and sessions got cancelled numerous times. I believe this was God telling me not to go there, but rebellious me carried on.
As soon as I got home I knew I would never go back, and found myself talking to God more, reading His Word, and eventually I accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour; Oh happy day!!! Romans 10v9: “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. ” I remember feeling like a veil had been lifted, I was seeing things differently. Things from my old life didn’t have the same appeal; things that satisfied the flesh, not the spirit. I got myself the best Counselor there is ( Isaiah 9:6) , my self harming stopped, my dependency on antidepressants left me, and I was a new creation. I will never forget that feeling of assurance, of warmth and love, and am so thankful for Jesus. I now have a relationship, not rituals and religion; an actual relationship with the creator of the world.
My husband ( he gave his life to the Lord a few months before I did) and I got baptized (full immersion) at the church we attended. We have since moved several times and we have what is called a House Church, where we read the Word and break bread together. I am so thankful to have salvation, knowing I have eternal life with my Lord & the blessed hope He gives us helps me through the darkest times. He grounds me and is with me always. Matthew 28 v20b, ” lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”
Anyone else feel like they’re living in some surreal world or a movie? Groundhog Day comes to mind. It’s all a bit boring, a bit dull, a bit depressing and a bit too much.
I’m done with the lockdowns, the social distancing, the masks, the total and utter acceptance that this is how things have to be right now, (and most likely forever) the lies, the contradictions, the constant change in information to confuse people.
How can anyone in their right mind be truly ok with this? I mean, really, think about it, about all that’s gone on and ask yourself, does this seem kosher to you? Nothing amiss? Nothing a bit….. off?
I was watching JD Farags prophecy update this morning, titled “Somethings not right.” Somethings not been right since the first two week lockdown to “flatten the curve” that turned into an almost year long one. (Give or take a few months)
I don’t have peace over this, and you know what? That’s ok. Yes, I have peace that comes from the Lord, that I know and find comfort in, but I don’t feel at peace about what the leaders of the world are doing and how this is affecting so many people; the job losses, redundancies, homelessness, the suicides; oh, it breaks my heart.
The cure should never be worst than the cause, and this is certainly the case when it comes to this virus. Lives have been destroyed; parents in such despair that they take not only theirs, but their child’s life too. There is no hope for them, they can’t see a way out. Suicide rate is sky high; eating disorders, self harm, anxiety has increased dramatically in the last year. Children as young as 5 being prescribed antidepressants, and 8 year olds self harming.
Forced to comply to rules that don’t make sense but dare not question. Shops closed down and jobs lost; but it’s to save the national health service so who are we to question?
Have we forgotten what it is to have freedom? Have we become so used to this way of life, so shaken with fear that we’ll do anything to….. what’s that phrase again?…. get back to normal??
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but normal packed up and left a long time ago, probably around the “ just two weeks to flatten the curve” mark. There is no more normal, no “new normal” ( well there’s an oxymoron in itself) Life will never be as it was.
Not very uplifting, I know, but I prefer to call things as they are. Yes, I miss the way things were before, but throughout this it’s felt like the final things that I enjoyed on this earth have been loosed away from me, making my focus on the Lord even more so and stronger and that can only be a good thing. Though freedom here on this earth is getting less and less, I have freedom in Christ, which, to be honest, is the only freedom that matters.
John 8:36 If the son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
Freedom in Christ is freedom from sin and from all this world has to offer. I could be incarcerated; yet free. It is a wonderful thing to know the Lord and to be focused on the things of eternity and heaven. This earth is dying, it has been since the fall; eternal salvation is what awaits the believer and the more I focus on these things the better. Now I would love to tell you that I am always focused and “looking up”, never letting the ways of the world trouble me, but I’d be lying. There are days when I feel so tired, fed up and down. It’s hard watching what’s going on and seeing the fear that has been so well fed to everyone through the MSM (main stream media) and not feel aggrieved by it all. It amazes me that people are believing the lie. I see countries giving away free ice cream or beer when you have your jab. Why do people need to be coerced or forced to take it? For a virus so deadly you have to be tested to know you’ve got it???! Makes sense? Is it sinking in yet??
I don’t say this to make anyone feel silly, scared or confused. I say it to get you to think about what’s going on and why, to do your research into the numbers, the stats, the inconsistencies. Research is essential right now, but above all things; knowing Jesus is the most important. What I mean by that is calling upon the Lord Jesus Christ, repenting from your sins and trusting in Him as your saviour. Being born again, accepting Gods free gift of salvation is the most important and amazing thing you can do.
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God
Romans10:9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
John14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the father, but by me.
I will end this post with a verse from one of my favourite hymns, Room at the Cross for you.
The cross upon which Jesus died Is a shelter in which we can hide And its grace so free is sufficient for me And deep is its fountain as wide as the sea.
Chorus There’s room at the cross for you There’s room at the cross for you Though millions have come, there’s still room for one Yes there’s room at the cross for you.
Such beautiful words, an invitation to us all; there’s room at the cross for you.
Some days I feel so broken. Worn down by people; their lack of compassion, their comments, their inability to think of anyone besides themselves. You know what? It sucks!! I get so tired of it and today is one of those days when I’ve just had enough, when I keep fighting back the tears. I don’t like crying & it gives me a blotchy face, which isn’t my best look.
I’m so thankful I have Jesus to turn to, especially on days like these. I remember before I was saved, how I used to feel, how I used to self harm, how I wished I wasn’t here some days. Things were dark, my thoughts were dark, and the only way I coped (if you could call it that) was to hurt myself. It makes me sad. I often feel so detached from the person I used to be, though it helps me, in a way, to be able to talk about past hurts, to think of it as someone else, almost. Sound odd? Well, it’s just what I do.
The difference Jesus has made to my life is huge. I mean, I have a relationship with the creator of the world, I can talk to Him anytime and He listens, He helps,He counsels, He heals, He loves me. ( Isaiah 9:6) I just want to rest in all of that; the feeling of being loved so much that He died for me, that God would sacrifice His only begotten son for me…it’s hard to put into words what that means to me.
So on the dark days, on the days you feel you can’t take much more; turn to Jesus. He loves you so much, His gift of salvation is free to all. All who repent (accept you are a sinner and turn away from your sins) & call upon the name of Jesus; ask Him into your life. ( Acts 16 v30-32 & John 3:16) Trust me, you will never look back. That’s not to say that suddenly things are easy, in all honesty it can often be the opposite, but having Him by my side when I go through trials and hard times makes it easier & the hope of whats to come keeps me going.
Thank you Lord, for your blessed hope. 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”
(Originally posted on my previous blog in April 2020)
(Originally posted on my previous blog in September 2019)
I’ve just heard the news that Jarrid Wilson killed himself on the 9th of September. My heart goes out to his family & friends. Another soul taken by suicide, another christian; a pastor, gone. It’s a subject that evokes a lot of emotion ; sadness, anger, confusion, questioning why and how did this happen.
Christians don’t kill themselves, do they? Well, the term christian is thrown around so much these days, what it means to one person means the opposite to another, as everyone interprets scripture differently. Heaven forbid they just read through the Bible and take it for what it is, read the symbolism where the symbolism is and see the overall pattern to Gods written Word and live their lives by it.
People have been adding & taking away from the Bible for years, producing more watered down versions, so much so you couldn’t even call it scripture. Itching ears want to hear what suits them , not what God says. Talk of prosperity, positivity, having it all, being constantly happy is what fills the mega churches.
There’s more talk of self than of God. Mega churches ( regular size too) feel like a positivity seminar with talks on how to live your best life. We should be living for Jesus! The one who saved us, who died on the cross and rose three days later for us, conquered death for us!! This ‘only talking in a positive way’ isn’t helpful. If you are struggling with something or going through a rough patch and not feeling positive, you’re then going to feel bad about it, causing you to question your faith, planting seeds of doubt, even.
It’s normal to go through trials & tribulations, the Bible speaks of it often. Being a Christian doesn’t mean an easy life, which the Bible makes clear. Look at the persecuted Church, look at the world, how can you remain positive when people are killing their babies, becoming more & more depraved each day? It grieves my heart to see it…but God. He lifts me up, He gives me hope, and that should be our focus, it’s faith, not feelings, that matter.
If you look at the book of Psalms you can see David going through trials & thoughts of despair, and what does he do? He turns to God, gives it all to Him, puts his trust in Him, and God takes care of him, giving him the strength to go on. When you go to a church, ask yourself this: is what they are teaching in line with scripture? We don’t question these things, yet we are told to, by God, through the apostle Paul, to test all things. Be discerning, don’t be afraid to correct those who aren’t teaching sound doctrine. It wouldn’t be loving not to mention it if the teachings of some are leading people astray, and in some cases, leading them to hell.
If I love someone, and as a christian we are called to love everyone; I want to tell them about Jesus. I want them to know Him, to be saved by His grace, so why would I want them to be following teachings that aren’t Biblically correct? Yes, they are free to follow who they choose, but sharing your concerns with them does not make you a bad Christian, or judgemental, it makes you a loving one, who cares more about what God thinks than what people think.
I feel that Churches don’t deal with depression,suicidal thoughts, and mental health in general, the way the Bible shows us to. They have conformed to the world and are happy to dish out “christian psychology”, advise them to do yoga & meditate, visualize techniques, not wanting to comment on anti-depressants because most of the church are taking them.
It’s such a sad state. Why aren’t there support groups? Meeting together to bare each others burdens, as the Bible says. That means to confide in each other and pray for each other. Research shows that therapy sessions are no better help than a chat with a friend, so why aren’t we, as brothers & sisters in Christ, talking to each other about these things so we can take them, together, to the Wonderful Counselor, Jesus.
Think on this verse in 1 Peter v5:7 “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. ” Cast ALL your care upon Him, He will always be there for you, through out trials and through out celebrations. He is the wonderful counselor to cast our cares upon. Seek the Lord & His Word over preachers & books. Pray & wait upon the Lord.
Hope; it’s a simple word. Four letters, one syllable; yet it means so much. Could you imagine a life without hope? Hope that you will get that dream job, hope that your child will be happy at school, hope that you will be well again, hope of an afterlife. Having hope can transform a life, it’s certainly transformed mine. My hope isn’t found in the material things, in jobs, cars, family or friends; my hope is found in Jesus Christ.
Life has changed so much in the last month, at times I have found myself struggling to understand, to take it all in, grieving over what life was and what it may be when/if all this madness over a virus goes away. Anxiety, sadness, fear, panic, they have all gripped me at times. Yes, I am a Christian and I feel all these things, this fleshly body of mine will always jump to these emotions, these feelings that take control of me for a time, but then I am reminded of who God is; He is kind, loving, caring, merciful, all knowing & He has not given us a spirit of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Feelings are so fleeting. I mean, think of how many different emotions you’ve had today. They change so much, but faith does not change. Gods word doesn’t change, it is there for us to take comfort in, to absorb and learn and grow ever closer to the Lord every time we read it. In His word there is comfort, and above all, there is hope.
To come to Him, to believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins, that God raised Him from the dead three days later, conquering death, giving us the chance of salvation ( Gods free gift to all of us ), to confess that Jesus is your Lord & Saviour, this is what it is to be born again. You will be a new creation, filled with the hope of things to come. Romans 10:9 ” That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Time on this earth is temporary, I’m just passing through, as my home is with the Lord. If you are an unbeliever, I don’t believe it is by chance that you are reading this. The hope that Jesus offers is for everyone; for all who call upon the name of the Lord (shall be saved). This is nothing to do with being religious and following rituals, this is about a relationship with God; the creator of the world, which is awesome! Think about that for a minute, it is truly the most amazing thing.
He has set me free from so many things, has blessed my family so much and, above all, given me life eternal. To know He is with me through every trial and heartache I go through means everything to me.
Don’t put it off, now is the time. This virus is a wake up call, a final chance, if you will, to get right with God and give your life to Him. ( I don’t believe God created this virus, but I know God always shines His light in the darkness, bringing good out of times like this & many souls are coming to Christ.)
2 Corinthians 6:2b “behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.”
I hope you enjoy this beautiful hymn, based on Psalm 91. Such a comforting Psalm to read right now. He is my refuge & I encourage you to turn to Him, He loves you so much.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
(Originally written and posted on my previous blog in May 2020)
“Peace, perfect peace, is the gift of Christ our Lord..” I remember singing this hymn in school assemblies. Such a simple song with such truth in it. It’s been going around my head this last week and it got me thinking about how it feels to have peace.
I think if people were asked what they want in life, peace would be in the top 5. When you move house you want a peaceful neighborhood, when your kids won’t leave you alone for a minute you ask them to “ leave you in peace” and when countries are at war with each other we want peace between them.
There’s a big search for “peace within”, which has made yoga and meditation the most popular form of exercise and relaxation going. Self help books that promise the peace you so crave cover coffee tables and book shelves, while the one book that has all the knowledge you need on Peace and who can bring that to your life, sits on your shelf in dust. ( If it’s there at all) Did you know one of Jesus titles is Prince of Peace? Isaiah 9 v6 ” For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”
Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’m looking for peace, I’d be going to someone who has that title. Makes sense, right? Especially as it’s from God. People are so willing to do everything to get in touch with themselves, make a deeper connection; find peace within. It’s a never ending quest because you may find it in a moment of quiet, whilst reading a book that speaks to you and your life, or hiking up a mountain, but these feelings are fleeting and temporary and you have to work at it to keep those feelings of peace “topped up”. In the Bible, God tells us to seek peace: Psalm 34 v14 “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” It is certainly something everyone of us is looking for, but more often than not, in the wrong places.
Peace from God is a gift, a free gift He gives to us, because to know Him, to be in His will is to have peace & rest. It is the most wonderful feeling. A feeling that no matter how much chaos is going on in your life or in the world you can rest in the Lord and you are filled with peace. John 14 v27: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
With everything that’s going on in the world, it’s hard to feel at peace. So much worry, anxiety, anguish, grief, fear. Being able to get through the day is all you can do and focus on sometimes. Our emotions can be up and down and almost rule us and our thoughts. When there’s so much hurt and sadness in this world, so much love of self and none of God, it breaks my heart and I could easily let it cloud my thoughts, bringing me nothing but sadness inside. To be honest, there are some days when those feelings almost win over, days when I feel like cranking up some Pearl Jam and sitting alone in a dark room with nothing but my melancholy mood for company. ( the old me would have done that) but I remind myself of who I belong to, the one who loves me, who sent His son to die on the cross & rise three days later, for me (for everyone) and I go to Him and those feelings melt away. Romans 5 v1b: “we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ”
The only place I know peace; the only place I know rest is in the arms of Jesus.He is the great comforter & He will bring you rest. ( Matt. 11v28-30)
John 16 v33: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”
( originally written and posted on my previous blog in June 2020)
Thoughts & Faith 